Breastless: How I Live Without My Breast

My obstetrician was examining the scar on my chest. At age 38, I was eleven years out from my breast cancer diagnosis and pregnant with Emmy. I had never had my chest examined so thoroughly as when I was pregnant. My doctor was going to make sure to keep me healthy. During this examination, the doctor rubbed something off my scar. “What’s this? Some kind of gel?” I was just as puzzled as he was. What in the world could be smeared all over my chest without me knowing what it was? The doctor wiped it off and continued my exam as usual.

As I was getting dressed after the exam, I took a look at my breast prosthesis. The light bulb went on–my breast form had split and the silicon was leaking out. I was slightly embarrassed, but I had to laugh! When I got home, I temporarily fixed the split with a Band Aid until I could order a new breast. A leaking breast actually gave me an excuse to go buy a larger sized left breast, since my right breast was increasing in size due to my pregnancy.

When Emmy was weaned and I returned to my specialized boutique for a smaller breast form, my husband caught me looking in the car window to check out my improved silhouette. “Checking out your new boob?” he asked. It felt good to be “even” again.

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Swimming with my daughter on a hot, summer’s day…in my special mastectomy suit.

Seventeen years after my mastectomy, my scar has lightened and so have my feelings about living with only one breast. Making the choice to have a mastectomy was not easy, and I write about why I made this huge decision here: Choosing a Mastectomy. Going back to read this post makes me laugh (and sometimes cry) because my mom had trouble leaving a comment! Oh, how I miss her. Mom is the one who taught me how to live after losing a breast.

This October, I have received five emails. Five emails deemed by Gmail as “important mainly because it was sent directly to you.” These emails were from Glamour Magazine, and two of them ask me this question: How would your life change without YOUR breasts?

Glamour is promoting its latest video series about Caitlin Brodnick, a young comedian who tested positive for the BRCA1 mutation and who decided to have a preventative double mastectomy. Her decision to have a mastectomy was surely difficult. I know. Coming home less than 24 hours after surgery with surgical drains is difficult. I know. Living life without your breasts is surely difficult.

I know.

My question to Glamour is this. Why did I get these emails? I don’t subscribe to Glamour Magazine and I don’t follow them on any social media. Why are they emailing me?

I’m sure the answer is publicity, but the question they pose strikes me as being sensationalist journalism. “How would your life change without YOUR breasts?”

Here is my answer, Glamour Magazine.

I live life fully. I live life with no regrets. I laugh a little, write a little, and love a whole lot. I don’t think about being breastless most days. Instead, I mother my little girls and teach my students. I love my husband. I plan family reunions, go to church, and love God. I cook. I sing. I dance.

Losing a breast does not define me. Breast cancer does not define me. My life has changed in countless ways since I lost my breast, and mostly for the better.

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Come Let Us Gather {Spin Cycle}

This fall has been beautiful. We have had clear, sunny days along with warm temperatures. Except for the sun setting earlier, it seemed like this fall was an extension of summer. Until, of course, the weekend that we were expecting guests. Every fall, my dad’s extended family gets together somewhere. I use that broad term, “somewhere,” because we are scattered all over the country. One year, the family met on the East Coast. The next year, they went to the West Coast. This year, it was time to visit the Midwest.

And of course, the temperatures dropped into the sixties and the rain came. Fortunately, the only thing my family wants to do is be together, talk and play cards, so the rain was just a little thing.

When I was a little girl, we always were together on the day after Thanksgiving. My dad and my uncles were pastors, so they had to work on Thanksgiving morning. My dad would preach at church and then we would get in the car to drive to Detroit, or Ft. Wayne, or Canton, Ohio. Every few years it was our turn, so we didn’t have to travel. One of my mom’s favorite times was Thanksgiving night–the night before the big meal. All my aunts would gather in the kitchen to cook and talk. It was a lot of work to feed all us children; when my little sister was born, that made twenty cousins in all. Our parents had no money to stay in hotels, so we slept on the floor in our cousins’ rooms, in the basement, even once in the church next door. On Friday came the big turkey feast! It was a day late, but it was still Thanksgiving to us.

Many years later, Thanksgiving became complicated. Cousins got married and had children, and there were more and more obligations to fulfill. Now, we have “Pre-Thanksgiving.” It’s like Thanksgiving, but it’s not. The cousins can afford to stay at a hotel and the kids don’t have to sleep on the floor. There is no cooking the night before. This year, I even decided that I was not going to serve turkey. I had the dinner catered with authentic Chicago-style food; Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza, pasta, and Italian beef.

Some of our relatives were missing. Some cousins had to work; some couldn’t travel so far away. We missed my mom and two uncles who have gone to heaven before us. However, a total of forty-one relatives crammed into my kitchen last Saturday. We were together despite the rain outside, despite my husband’s fears that we wouldn’t all fit in our house, despite my ugly bathroom floors. (That’s another story waiting to be told.)

I remember being one of the little cousins and going along with a “show” that we performed for our parents a long, long time ago in a basement in Ft. Wayne. At the very beginning of the festivities his year, my daughters and my cousins’ kids put on a show of their own. They stood on the steps, plucked a toy guitar and sang their hearts out. They were making their own wonderful childhood memories.

show on steps

It might not have been Thanksgiving, but it was still Thanksgiving to us. We give thanks for the blessings God gave us in family; in good weather and bad, in health and in sickness, with those present and in the hearts of those absent, and we know we are loved.

Oh, and did I mention this, family? While playing cards, I got the best 500 hand in my life! Ten diamonds, baby!

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Add your own fall link, read other fall stories, and spread the word about the Spin Cycle on Facebook and Twitter by using the hashtag #SpinCycle! Gretchen and I will reveal next week’s Spin Cycle topic on Monday.



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