Tag: day-to-day

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Holding the Ladder

When Ed and I were first dating, Ed talked about his love for skiing. He went on a big ski trip every winter, and one of our first dates was with his ski buddies. We met them for dinner so that they could look at pictures from their recent trip to ski in Utah.

Ed was so eager to have me learn his favorite sport that he took me skiing as soon as he could. Which is not easy here in the Midwest. Due to a fear of heights, I ended up blubbering in the middle of the ski hill, terrified to keep going down. Ed patiently talked me down that ski hill.

Unlike me, Ed seems fearless. Remember the time we both rode the zip line? Ed showed abandon as he careened over Beaver Meadow!

I, on the other hand, waited until the very last minute to zoom the zip line. I was trembling in my boots and could barely get up the courage to climb up the pole. But with Ed’s encouragement, I was able to do it.

On a camping trip, after climbing to the top of a bluff in Wisconsin, I walked closer to the edge to see the view. Ed suddenly yelled at me, “STOP!” Imagine my surprise! He’s back by a tree, and while I was nowhere close enough to the edge to actually fall off, I could clearly see Ed was very nervous. I asked him what was wrong, and the truth came out. Ed is afraid of heights.

“What about skiing?” I asked him.

“That’s different!” Ed replied, but I really didn’t quite understand.

Last week, Ed was on the roof, meaning to clean out the gutters. He came inside, shaking his head. “I just don’t know what to do,” he says. “Maybe I need to pay someone to clean the gutters.”

I was surprised to hear these words come out of my frugal husband’s mouth. “What’s stopping you from doing it?” I say.

“I’m afraid,” is the answer. Oh. That pesky fear of heights.

“Let’s go,” I say, and I follow Ed outside to hold the ladder for him. That’s all he needed. Even though we both knew I really wasn’t doing much good by holding the ladder, just having me out there made Ed feel better.

It’s nice to be able to hold Ed’s ladder for him. Sometimes it seems like Ed is the one who is always supporting me; I’m the one with the crisis, I’m the one who’s falling apart, I’m the one who’s needy. Holding Ed’s ladder reminded me that we’re partners in this marriage. He needs me, too. I hold his ladder; he holds mine.

Whose ladder do you hold?

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A Slice of Life

6:45 a.m. I wearily open my eyes as Lily pads to the side of my bed. I’m so tired…Lily and Emmy both climbed into bed with me at different times last night, and I took them potty and put them back to bed. Staying up late the night before to write a blog post didn’t help my weariness, and I turned over, not wanting to get up. Lily insisted.

She would have been 68 years old today.

7:30 a.m. Hair wet from my shower, I prepare breakfast for the girls. Shuffling bagel toasting, coffee drinking and lunch making, I manage not to think too much about today’s date.

Oh, how she would have loved to talk about Kindergarten with her oldest granddaughter, and about preschool with her youngest granddaughter! They were the light of her life.

9:30 a.m. Girls both at the correct schools and in the correct classrooms, I’m working this morning. My new job as a part-time preschool teacher keeps me occupied. I’m helping a little one put on a princess dress; roaring my stegosaurus at the T-Rex that is trying to devour it; helping to build a house out of blocks. I pour juice and sweep up homemade play dough. The morning passes by.

Emmy was only two when she died; Lily had just turned 5. If only she could see how they’ve grown!

12:30 p.m. I make fish sticks for Emmy, and think about Lily at full-day Kindergarten. I hope I packed enough food for Lily’s lunch today. She should have found my little love note in her lunch bag by now.

Last night, I brought out the letters she wrote to me when I was in college. Her handwriting, so familiar, brought her to life again for a little while.

1:30 p.m. Ed returns my call while my hands are covered with flour from the pork chops I’m going to stick in the crock pot. I’ll disinfect the phone later, I think, as I excitedly tell him that I received my first paycheck today, meager though it is. Emmy is demanding attention; she is exhausted from her morning at preschool, she misses Lily, and she just doesn’t know what to do with herself. I try to have her take a nap, but she wants nothing to do with sleeping.

She was such a good listener, such a good mother! What did she still have left to teach me?

7:00 p.m. The afternoon flew by, as laundry, dishes, and cooking dinner take up my minutes and my hours. As I rock Emmy, about to put her in her bed, I want to call her, to wish her a happy birthday. But there will be no answer.

My mom died from breast cancer on November 23, 2009. I miss her every day, and today, on her birthday, my heart just aches.