Loving him was yellow {Spin Cycle}

Let me get this out of the way. I have a confession to make–I love Taylor Swift’s song “Red.” Should a 44 year old woman really be a fan of Taylor Swift? I suppose that’s what happens when my two daughters dance around the living room singing her songs. So when I was listening to “Red” and singing along, I began to wonder. (Why, yes, the girls were at school and I was home alone playing their Taylor Swift CDs. I’ll admit it!) I wondered. Is love really red?

Red is a logical choice for love. It’s the color of a heart, the color of a rose, and even seems to be the official color of Valentine’s Day. A woman will wear red lipstick and a red dress to attract a man. But is red really the color of love?

loving him is red

I’m not sure why, but I’ve always thought of the color yellow when I think about my love for Ed. A bright yellow, like the yellow of the sun. Perhaps it’s because of the effect he had on me. My life was pretty dull until Ed came along. When we first started dating, he would tell me how lonely he was before we met. Now that we’ve settled into married life with two noisy kids, he’ll deny that he ever said he was lonely! But I must have brought some brightness into Ed’s life, too. Yes, yellow seems like a good color for love.

Yet yellow is not perfect. When I was pregnant with Lily, we chose not to find out if we were having a boy or a girl before the baby was born. As a result, we received a lot of yellow baby clothes. But for a baby, yellow seemed so…neutral. Lily didn’t have any hair, so it was hard to tell if she was a boy or a girl. Of course, I always thought she looked like a girl, but when Lily was very little some people complimented my baby boy. I wouldn’t say I especially liked pink until I was sick of seeing Lily in yellow. Lily grew older, I had another baby girl, and then I was inundated with pink; pink clothes, pink baby towels, pink everything. Both Lily and Emmy decided that pink was their favorite color. All of a sudden, I loved pink too. Pink made my girls look so pretty, and I was so proud to be the mom of two beautiful little girls. I still am. Pink is a good color for love.

The color of love is always changing, I suppose. What color will I think love is as I get older? A nice comforting gray? An old and sturdy brown? Time will tell.

Emmy in pink

What do you think is the color of love? Write your Spin and link up your blog post either here or at Second Blooming!

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Wearing Blinders

I always say that when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was single. That’s not entirely true; I had a boyfriend. I don’t talk about him much. He was a very nice guy and I thought I loved him. He, however, didn’t love me back. I stayed with him for much longer than I should have.

There’s this phrase that I couldn’t stop thinking about in the years after my mastectomy. “Damaged Goods.” It means different things to different people, and in my case I just couldn’t believe that anyone would love me after my breast cancer surgeries. It’s one of the reasons I stayed with a man who didn’t love me.

A relationship can’t last long without love, and after we had been dating for about two years, that boyfriend and I finally broke up. I had a couple of dates, but I never got to the point where I told another man that I had had cancer.

love after breast cancer

Then along came Ed.

Ed and I knew each other for years. We both went to the same church and said “Hi” to each other every Sunday. I had a little crush on him. Finally, I worked up the nerve to ask him out for coffee.

It only took one date to know that we were going to start seeing a lot of each other.

And when I saw him smiling at me from across the gym Easter morning during our church’s brunch, I knew.

I knew he didn’t care what I had gone through.

I knew he didn’t think of me as damaged goods.

He gave me a smile that was just for me.

Two years into our relationship, he pulled out a ring and asked me to be his wife.

A long time ago, I asked him to write about how he feels, being married to a breast cancer survivor. Ed wrote,

I seldom think about my wife’s history with cancer. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing blinders, or maybe it’s because there’s really nothing different about her that’s due to her cancer. Although it’s a part of who she is, I tend to focus on other things a whole lot more.

Ten years into our marriage, we both focus on a whole lot more. We focus on our daughters and our family. We go through highs and lows, like any other couple. We fight. We make up. He’s not perfect; I’m not perfect. But never once in our whole relationship have I ever thought about those words again.

I’m not damaged goods, and Ed’s love proves it to me.

Just Married

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I’m writing today about “Love” for the Spin Cycle at Second Blooming. Click on the button above to read more about love!